I haven’t been feeling motivated around my art practice lately.
Normally I’ll get urges, follow them. Lately it’s been quiet. A poem here, a collage there. Inconsistent at best.
This doesn’t work well with capitalism or the pressure I feel under a capitalist system to show up in a regular, consistent way. It’s a big part of why I left Substack. So much pressure over there to post, post, post. No thanks.
I’ve lived long enough now to know that I don’t flow like that. I have big creative urges that require expansive periods of rest.
I can fight my nature. I can post all the time. But it lowers the quality of output, the quality of my work. It also lowers the enjoyment. And - call me crazy - but I’m trying to enjoy myself if I can here on planet earth. I know, wild concept.
So I’m chillin. Or at least I’m trying to. And I’ve been leaning into what is inspiring me lately: music. No surprise here. Music has been my muse since day one. And it’s evolving.
This summer, a friend who owns a local listening room asked me to DJ. My heart screamed YES! but out of my mouth came, I’m not a DJ. True enough. And what a sad response! I love music more than almost anything. My friend wasn’t looking for a Vegas DJ. He was looking for someone who loves music. That’s it. And that is definitely me.
Still I was scared. Every time I ran into him he’d ask if I was on the DJ schedule yet. Every time I would say, Not yet!, smiling, my insides dying. Why was I actively tapping down the spark I felt when he first asked? Why was I denying myself a dream I’ve had since I was 10 years old? Because I’ve never actually DJ’d before? Because I’m not qualified? Because I’m scared shitless?
None of those are good reasons.
None of those are reasons to tell your heart no.
So I took a deep breath and I did what any reasonable woman would do in the situation. I called upon the confidence of a mediocre white man. I said yes. And I got my fucking ducks in a row. I phoned a friend, a DJ, and asked if he’d teach me the ropes. He was generous and happy to do it. This felt like the Universe saying Yes back. You did your work, so now I’l do mine.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes:
The miracle of the psyche’s ways is that even if you are halfhearted, irreverent, didn’t mean to, didn’t really hope to, don’t want to, feel unworthy to, aren’t ready for it, you will accidentally stumble upon treasure anyway. Then it is your soul’s work to not overlook what has been brought up, to recognize treasure as treasure no matter how unusual its form.
Don’t miss the treasure.